The Downward Spiral
by RockChick
Summary: Slash! S/L Very, VERY angsty


This is a slash fic so if you don't like that sort of thing then you should leave now. Scott/Logan. All characters belong to….well, not me, their creators. I am not making any money of this, in fact I can't make money anyway so it doesn't matter!! Changing POV's thoughout the fic.

RockChick2050Ó Dark_InsanityÓ of DarknessÔ

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                                      The Downward Spiral

           I didn't mean to. It was just an accident, a glorious accident at that. I walked past Scott's room, I just looked in as you do when you pass an open door and I saw him. The light was shining through the window and surrounding him so he looked like an angel. He was laid on his back on the bed, his chest rising and falling softly as he slept, the blanket that would have normally covered him was on the floor so he was almost naked, he just wore a pair of blue boxers. I paused at the door, watching. What I felt took me away, I had never felt anything like that before, not for anyone, especially not another male. Well, I didn't know for sure, I may have done in the past that I couldn't remember. 

           He was just stunning, I was mesmorised by his pale skin, the way his slim but muscular body was sprawled out on the bed. Then I noticed the scars, there were several littered about his fine chest and two long ones that that started three quarters of the way across his chest and stretched around presumably to his back. Oh, how I wanted to find out! I wanted him right here and now. I had a strong urge to just go and take him now, but I controlled myself. There was no way in hell I could do that.

         I moved my eyes up to his face, there was a peaceful expression on his his face. The red glasses covering his eyes, I wondered what his eyes actually looked like. I knew that no-one being able to see his eyes was what he used sometimes to hide how he was feeling. 

        I shook myself out of my trance, I'd better leave before he woke up or somebody caught me staring. I grinned, yeah, that would be easy to explain! I also couldn't explain why I felt like this, about Scott of all people, I felt like I was changing inside. Maybe I was changing but maybe I was always like this. I just didn't know.

        I started to walk away when Scott started panting, "NO!" he shouted. His body was trembling, I noticed as I came into the room. Scott groaned in pain, "I'm sorry" he cried and then began to scream. I ran over to him and shook him, the pain still evident on his face.

       "Scott, wake up" I said as I shook him again. The look on his face was that of terror. 

       "Wha…huh" he said as he started awake, I stood up as I reluctantly removed my hands from him. Why did I want to touch him all of a sudden? "What's going on?" he said as he grabbed the blanket from the floor and covered his chest. I'm guessing he hoped that I hadn't seen the scars. He obviously no idea that I had been there longer than I should have been.

      "You were screaming" I told him, any emotion of what came over me earlier was hidden. I acted cool instead. 

     Another quite frightened look crossed his face, it wasn't easy to spot because you couldn't see his eyes but I had learned how to read him in other ways, I could also smell the fear coming from him. The look on his face vanished in a flash, "Oh" he said quietly. He lifted his head and looked at me.

      "What?" I asked as I tilted me head slightly. I had never noticed how good-looking he was before. I shook myself mentally, stop it.

      "I'd like to get changed" he stated, he was still watching me under the red lenses. God, I just wanted to kiss him. 

      "Oh yeah, sorry" I said as I walked through to the door. 

      "Thanks for waking me" he said just as I was about to leave. I turned slightly and looked at the other man.

      I shrugged and causally walked through the door. I went into my own room and sat on my bed. I couldn't figure out why I wanted Scott so much, in fact, I was wondering why I had feelings for a guy. I'd never felt anything like this before, well, I don't think I had. I was confused, incredibly confused. I didn't know what to do. I got up and headed for the door, maybe going out on my bike would clear my head. 

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            I was still panting slightly from the nightmare, I took in deep breaths as I tried to control myself. I was also still a little shaken. I'd hidden it just for a few minutes whilst Logan was in the room but it had all come back once he had left and the blockade came down now that I was alone. I put a shaky hand on my forehead and then pulled it back through my hair. The pain that accompnied my 'gift' was stronger than usual. Normally it was just a dull pain tugging at the back of my mind. But this morning it was sharp and cutting through my brain. Not only that there was a pain deep in my stomach that I was trying to ignore, I didn't know why it was there I just pretended it wasn't. 

          My mind wandered back to my nightmare before I could stop it, this time an emotional pain came with it. I shook my head to get rid of it, I didn't want to face it right now. I was glad that I had been woken before the worst part came along. Logan. Something inside me stirred once again and a sadness surfaced, more emotions I didn't want to deal with. I did that a lot, probably too often for my own good. It just seemed easier for me and everyone else if the things inside of me stayed bottled up, although sometimes I yearned for someone….anyone to talk to about everything. I couldn't even talk of everything to Jean when we were together. 

         The emotional pain came again, I'd been such a fool in hurting her. I didn't mean to, and I wouldn't have done, not ever, I'd never hurt her. But she could read thoughts, my thoughts in particular and she ended it, well we sort of did it together. I wasn't sure of every reason, well, maybe I was but I just couldn't see them. She saw that I wasn't in love with her like I used to, I had changed.

        Unexpectedly I felt a tear fall from beneath my protecting glasses and rolling down my cheek, I quickly wiped it away. If anyone had seen…well, I wouldn't know what to say, certainly not the truth. The truth was, God, I was struggling in finding out the truth myself. I sighed and put my hands over my face. I couldn't figure out what was going on in my mind.

        I slowly stood up, easing my way onto my feet. My head still felt as if a train was running through it and my stomach still felt turbulant. I walked forward towards the door with one hand on my forehead, when I could have sworn that I had walked into something. I frowned and shook my head, I must have imagined it. 

       But as I walked forward I seemed to trip over something and I fell, my glasses felt like they were pulled off and they fell to the floor. Before I could shut my eyes the red beam exploded briefly from my eyes and destroyed one side of my room, part of the roof and God knows what else. I quickly shut my eyes when I regained my senses. 

       I bent down onto the floor and felt about for my glasses, I found them but I also found that they were broken.

      "Is everyone ok?" I shouted as I stood up holding onto the bed with the broken glasses. I felt a horrible guilt surface in my stomach at thought of hurting someone, no, not again, please not again.

       There wasn't any answer, at least I didn't think so, the guilt became stronger. I heard people running down the corridoor towards my room.  

      "Scott are you ok? What happened?" I heard someone shout from just outside where the door used to be, it was 'Ro I think.

      "I'm fine, my glasses fell off" I paused, "Did I" I paused again a I swallowed. "Did I hurt anyone?" I asked meekly, fear rose up inside of me.

      "No, no it's ok, nobody's hurt" she reassured me, but even as relief filled me I still felt guilty and afraid.

      I sank down against the wall and sat on the floor with my hands over my eyes, I couldn't believe what I had just done. I heard another set of running feet, this time they were heavy. "What's going on?" I heard someone growl to 'Ro, Logan, who else could it be? I'd recognise that growl anywhere. And I felt pleased and relieved to hear it. 

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         Once I saw the red beam I had to go back in, I knew that there was only one person who could have created that. I felt angry and afraid. Afraid if something had happened to Scott and angry at whatever caused it, I knew that his visor must have come off because the beam was too large, powerful and raw. This caused me to run at full pelt back inside and up the stairs to Scott's room. This first thing I saw was Storm stood staring at the ruined wall, "What's going on?" I growled as I approached.

         "Scott said his glasses fell off, a beam must have escaped to cause this" Storm said as she pointed to the mess of what used to be the wall and the partly missing roof which was now strewn all over the floor. I fear came over me, what if some part of the roof had hit him and hurt him in some way? 

         I made my way quickly through the rubble and Storm did the same thing, I saw Scott at the other end of the room and I ran over the remainder to him. He looked sweet and vulnrable sat there completely still without his glasses or visor to hide behind and the dust settled in his hair. He looked just like a child as he sat there, I wanted to take him up in my arms and kiss him. I quickly checked him over, I couldn't see any injures. I felt relieved at this but still a little afraid for him, he looked small sat down there, quite a feat for a tall man, but I was all the more attracted to him.

         "You ok, Slim?" I asked as I bent down beside him, I almost put my hand on his face and stroked his cheek but I kept my emotions in check.

         "I'm fine" he said as he turned his face in my direction, there was desperation in his face and fear in his voice. I could smell the guilt pouring from him, I guessed that's why he was trembling, the leader was afraid he hurt someone else not for himself.

       "You have a spare visor in here?" I asked him as I stared at his face. His fine cheek bones more visible without the glasses, his soft looking smooth skin, making him all the more beautiful.

       He shook his head, "I used to but it got damaged" there was strength back in his voice now, more like the Cyclops that everyone was used to.  

       Scott stood up and took a step forwards, his shoe kicking a piece of rubble. He turned his face around to where he knew I was, there was an embarresed look on his face and a sadness in there. I could sense that his pride had been bruised. I could see very well that he couldn't pick his way over the rubble without help, he'd just fall and hurt himself otherwise. 

     "Can you…urm, help me please?" he asked me, yep, it had definatly bruised his pride to ask. I could tell he was one of those people who don't like to show a weak side, he always had to be Mr. Fearless leader. 

      "Sure" I told him, not answering him straight away, I didn't want to seem to anxious to touch him again which I actually was. 

       I lightly gripped his arm with one hand and my other arm went instinctivly around his back as I helped him across the mess of rubble. It felt good to have him in my arms, hell, it felt great to have him in my arms, I didn't want to let go. 

       I couldn't stop looking at his face as Storm walked the other side of Scott and I was still holding on to one of his arms. He was so beautiful, even more so when he was vulnrable like he was now without his visor or his glasses. 

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         *_Are you alright, Scott?* _ I jumped as the voice errupted in my head as I sat on the sofa downstairs in the dark. Nobody had bothered me once I got my visor on, I'd been asked about the mess of course but that was it. I guess the mood I was in was quiet visible so everyone had left me to my own. Logan was persistant but he too had left me. I had mentally cursed myself for giving that much away about my emotions.

        A second after the voice entered my head, the proffessor's wheelchair came through the door. 

        "I'm fine" I told him not looking up from the floor, he came over closer to me and put a hand on my shoulder.

        "Now, now Scott, you and I know that's not entirely true" he said softly to me. I lifted my head and looked at my mentor. Xavier had looked after me ever since I came here all those years ago when I was a teenager, he was basically my father.

       I didn't say anything to him, I just looked back down at the floor. I felt an overwhelming sense of depression come over me as everything that I had been thinking about recently . I felt tears trying to force their way out of my eyes but I wouldn't let them, something inside me was telling me not to, it was weak too cry.

      *_It's alright Scott, you can cry in front of me if you wish, I won't think you are weak. You are not weak, you never have been*_  Xavier thought to me. But even after this encouragement I couldn't even though I wanted to. 

      *_I can help you through this, but you need to talk to me, Scott* _he told me through his mind speak. 

      "I…I'm sorry, proffessor, I can't, I don't know how, not about this" I said shakily. "Not again" I whispered almost inaudiably but I knew the proffessor heard me. Whether it was with his ears or woth his mind he always heard me.

      I looked up at him and he smiled at me, "Ok, just promise me you will try and talk to someone" he said kindly. I got the feeling he knew more about what I felt and wanted right now more I did myself, and he probably did. 

     "I promise I will try" I told him as we met eyes, well, we would have done if my eyes were actually visible. 

     Xavier turned his chair full circle and left the room, leaving me on my own in the dark….with my thoughts. 

      I lay down on the sofa, there was a spare room upstairs that was made up for me to sleep in until my room was fixed up but I wasn't going to sleep anyway so I didn't see any point. 

      Suddenly a strong wave of nausea came over me and I groaned slightly in pain. I laid there not moving as I waited for it to subside, it did subside but it came back again only moments after. I was shaking now quite badly as I quickly got myself to my feet. I stumbled forward, almost blindly with a hand on my stomach and the other out to steady me was I tried to quickly move forwards.     

      I managed to reach the bathroom and I almost collapsed next to the toilet. The nausea completely took over me and I threw up into the toilet. I was shaking even more now, I couldn't help it. I threw up again in the toilet, violent shivers jecking my body. 

      I lay my head against the wall after I had finished as I tried to steady my breathing and the shakes that were racking my body. I felt considerably better after that although there felt as though there was something nibbling at my stomach from the inside. 

      I hauled myself to my feet, my body feeling like it weighed a ton and I made my way back to the sofa.

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